She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
