here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
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The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
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she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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