I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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