If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
