And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
