All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
