i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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