there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
