I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
