Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
