I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
