i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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