Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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