Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
