Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Randomize
