Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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