turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
