Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
