Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Randomize
