dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
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i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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