so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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