I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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