....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
