I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
