Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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