I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
