My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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