If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
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