so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
