You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
