found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
