I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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