i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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