Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Are my feet made of real feet?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
