so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Randomize
