"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
