i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
