Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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