I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
