i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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