there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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