There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
