we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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