Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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