I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
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This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
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Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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