The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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