I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
