someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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