I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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