I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
