and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
