Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
