She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
