Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
