Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
