Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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