when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
