Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Randomize
