i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Locals Wish Tourists Would Stop Doing These 27 Things
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
25 True Facts That Sound Fake AF
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.