I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk