Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
